In a world where troubled marriages are far too common, some Catholic couples are seeking to establish intentionally Catholic marriages and family life — and for good reason.

Bill Dill — marriage preparation and youth ministry events coordinator in the Archdiocese of St. Paul and Minneapolis’ Office of Marriage, Family and Youth — said parents are the most powerful influence in young people’s lives. The example that parents set impacts religious beliefs, political leanings, moral bearings, leisure choices and more.

“Many often think that as youth become teens that their friends, teachers or the media are the strongest influence. While these sources are quite significant, they still don’t match the influence of parents,” Dill said. “To be clear, going to Mass on Sunday and sending children to a Catholic school or faith formation classes (are) essential, (but) it’s more about how we go to Mass, why we go to Mass, what happens before and after Mass, and talking about Mass as a family. Christ is also our model for marriage. Couples who live, love and forgive like Christ will produce a family that does the same.”

Donovan and Clare Catton have been married for three and a half years and are proud parents of 1-year-old Marco. In their married life, striving to live intentionally Catholic has evolved as their family has grown.

“The way the Church has seasons is so helpful and has taught us to be attentive to the season of life we are currently in and what God is inviting us to participate in during that time,” Clare Catton said.

For example, when they were first married, they had a weekly Holy Hour at 3 a.m. But since having their first child, they said that hour is no longer a good fit or what they felt God was inviting them to do — so now they have a 2 p.m. hour.

“As we have experienced more life together as a married couple, we have realized more and more the necessity of our faith and can’t imagine going through the same challenges of life without our Catholic faith as a foundation,” Donovan Catton said. The couple has suffered through two miscarriages and, while going through those times was difficult, the Cattons received a lot of grace from the Lord.

“We believe he (God) strengthened the three-way relationship between us and him as a result,” Clare Catton said. “So now we have hope we will see our children in heaven someday, whom we named Judah Rose and Zelie John. We are at peace knowing they are with God, and now (we) are at a place where we can talk about them in joy and gratitude.”

Faith has always been central to the Cattons’ relationship. Having met in college at the University of Minnesota-Duluth’s Newman Center, they often spent time together in the chapel or at Newman Center events.

“It was a wonderful environment for our friendship to grow initially, to serve alongside each other, and then eventually to start dating and discern marriage, surrounded by great people and a culture (that was) pretty intense about living intentionally Catholic lives,” Clare Catton said. “Our time with the UMD Newman Center really taught us and solidified a foundation for daily prayer, sacraments, service to the Church, loving the people around us, and pursuing greatness in the way God created us to be.”

The Cattons have seen the difference that living intentionally Catholic lives makes. They have found that they are more able and willing to sacrifice for each other when they have gone to confession regularly, the Cattons said, and they find themselves more grateful and gracious when they make time for regular personal prayer.

“We are happier and less stressed when we celebrate the Lord’s Day fully and (do) leisure well on Sundays. We are more alive,” Donovan Catton said. “Our Catholic beliefs give us reason to have joy in the midst of the loss and suffering we face. That said, it’s hard. God doesn’t ever give us more than we can handle. He has given us people to support us in our tough times, and we have been able to bless others in their hard times, too.”

In addition to being members of St. Mark in St. Paul, they are part of the Community of Christ the Redeemer (CCR) charismatic group, and they enjoy Bible study with friends. These groups have provided practical ways for the Cattons to incorporate their faith into their busy lives.

“Especially through accountability, discussion and opportunities to care for and be taken care of by each other in the groups,” Donovan Catton said. “We also have made it a practice to pray together as a family before bedtime with our son and as a couple before bed. We have tried incorporating Mass, prayer, good conversation into vacations — so it’s a time with the Lord, not just to check out from life. One little thing we often do is ask each other, ‘What did you hear today?’ after Mass, a meeting or an event. Simply hearing how the Lord is working in each other’s heart, mind and even body, draws us closer together.”

The Cattons hope to continue to build the foundational habits that will draw them closer to God and closer together as a family. “We would like to continue learning more about the traditions of the Church and integrating some of those into our own daily, weekly, monthly, annual traditions,” Donovan Catton said.

Growing in faith

Faith has also been a core component of Nestor and Melina Arguello’s marriage. Married in 2020, the Arguellos enjoy their 1-year-old daughter, Isabella Veronica, who will be 2 by the time the couple’s second baby arrives in August.

“Thankfully, Nestor and I were raised by faithful and joyful Catholic parents who love Jesus,” Melina Arguello said. “They passed down the faith to us, and we are so grateful to them, even more so now that we’ve become parents ourselves.”

Nestor and Melina met at the tail end of Melina’s college years. By that point, they had each experienced profound conversions on their own faith journeys that convinced them of the faith’s truths.

“We have certainly aimed to live out our marriage and family life in such a way that springs forth from our relationship with Jesus and his Church,” Melina Arguello said.

Nestor Arguello said he was raised in a Catholic charismatic community where his faith formation felt like being “raised by a village.”

“Now in our family life, we have also found that surrounding ourselves with others that strive for holiness is incredibly beneficial, in particular when raising children,” he said.
Within the context of marriage, the Arguellos said their Catholic faith has produced immeasurable fruit, including joy, peace and deeper healing as individuals and as a couple — all of which has been initiated by the Lord.

“The Lord has used marriage to reveal to each of us areas that still need to be surrendered to him,” Nestor Arguello said. “In striving to live out our Catholic faith, we make ourselves vulnerable to one another. As uncomfortable as this can be at times, it is also one of the most fertile areas for growth and intimacy.”

In addition to weekly Mass at their parish, St. Mark in St. Paul, the Arguellos pray together every morning with their daughter. The couple tries to take at least 15 minutes a day for personal prayer. They thank God before each meal they share, and they pray with their daughter before her bedtime. If Nestor puts Isabella to sleep, he sings the Canticle of Simeon with her and prays the Mosaic Blessing over her. If Melina puts her to sleep, she prays two short Spanish prayers that she grew up praying: the Guardian Angel Prayer in Spanish and a simple, beautiful prayer her godfather wrote when she was little.

On a yearly basis, the Arguellos try to attend three marriage retreats.

“One of our pillars of communication is having a weekly husband-wife meeting, or as we call it ‘our encuentro,’” Nestor Arguello said. “It is an opportunity to let our guard down and encounter each other in a time of prayer, honoring, sharing and reconciliation. We take time to recenter our marriage on the Lord.”

Part of the couple’s weekly meeting involves keeping an eye out for “busyness” that squashes spontaneity, and spending carefree time with other families, they said.

“Whether it’s having dinner with friends on a weeknight or a weekly date night or some form of leisure as a family, these are activities we try to prioritize weekly to slow us down so we can develop the habit of being and not just doing,” Melina Arguello said. “The faith is truly our pearl of great price. We thank God regularly for the gift of the Catholic faith that was passed down to us and that we, in turn, chose (to follow). Our faith gives us a necessary vision so that instead of living our lives out of resentment, jealousy, anger, pride, sadness and despondency, we can live out of love. A Christ-like love that endures all things.”

When the Arguellos had their home blessed last summer, the priest prayed that their home would be a place where, through them, Christ would be welcomed and where Christ would welcome anyone who walked through the door.

“Nestor and I hope to continue entering into relationship with the people God places before us,” Melina Arguello said.

Lifelong commitments

Celebrating 42 years of marriage, Dr. Dennis and Mary Helen O’Hare have two sons, three daughters, and 15 grandchildren “on this Earth.” Having met in Omaha, Nebraska, while at Creighton University — Dennis was in medical school and Mary Helen was in nursing school — the O’Hares married and eventually moved to the Twin Cities, where they raised their children.

Today, all the O’Hares’ children and their families live within 20 minutes of their parents.

“It is really a dream to have our grown children around,” Dennis O’Hare said.

Having always lived as committed Catholic Christians and active members of the Church, prayer was an integral part of the couple’s relationship from the beginning, he said. “As part of our dating, we would end our evenings in prayer before going our separate ways. I wasn’t used to praying freely with another person before I met her, so she introduced me to that.”

Early in their marriage, the O’Hares were introduced to the Community of Christ the Redeemer. Having grown up in the Twin Cities, Mary Helen was familiar with the association, but it was a new experience for her husband.

“It was one of the few times in my life where I felt like I heard the Lord speak to me and say, ‘This is what you’re looking for,’” Dennis O’Hare said. “Part of that intentionality has become an important part of our family.”

The O’Hares have lived intentionally Catholic lives by putting their marriage and family first.

“We had a family mission and did annual goal setting with the kids,” Mary Helen O’Hare said. “We also intentionally put the kids in Catholic grade school, and they went to a Christian high school that was predominantly Catholic.” When their children were young, Dennis O’Hare, who always engages in morning prayer, spent time with each child individually, sharing his Bible and prayer book.

Today, the O’Hares are members of St. Joseph in West St. Paul and continue to be active in the CCR community, with Dennis serving as coordinator for the association. The community has three main charisms that the couple has embraced: actively pursuing holiness of life, loving and serving one another as brothers and sisters in Christ, and working together to spread the Gospel and build a Christian life.

“These are a set of ideals, practices, standards and ways of life that we try to embrace and pursue,” Dennis O’Hare said. Together, the O’Hares also embrace six key practices of making a strong Catholic family, which are based on a concept in medicine that if a certain outcome is sought, certain things should be done with regularity.

“It’s a wonderful concept that we actually use in the CCR community,” Dennis O’Hare said. “In the midst of all we do, we need to have daily personal and family prayer, eat family meals together, hold weekly husband and wife meetings, celebrate the Lord’s Day, and participate in small groups and the life of the larger Catholic community.”

A nurse by training, Mary Helen O’Hare became a homemaker after their first child was born. After their youngest graduated from high school, she had an opportunity to teach high school science at two Catholic schools in the Twin Cities — Chesterton Academy in Hopkins and St. Agnes in St. Paul, and at another Christian school before retiring a couple of years ago to care for her elderly parents. The opportunity to teach at faith-filled institutions further enhanced her faith, she said.

As a physician, Dennis O’Hare senses how fleeting life is. “This has allowed me to learn how to serve more and have greater compassion. I chose to practice medicine purposefully, to join a practice where I could bring my faith into my practice,” he said. After a career in family medicine, he is now a geriatric physician, caring for the elderly in assisted living and nursing homes.

In the end, the O’Hares said, they’ve learned through 42 years of marriage that living intentionally Catholic lives is about relationships.

“Both the Old Testament and the New Testament have shown how the Lord commits and desires commitments. It’s such a blessing to have committed long-term relationships being a covenant,” Dennis O’Hare said. “If I look at our life, one of the great blessings we have is long-standing relationships, which come from making commitments. And out of that comes fruit.”