October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month

Laura and Franco Fanucci, members of St. Joseph the Worker in Maple Grove, were asked to write a Catholic resource on miscarriage. Hoping to bring good from their own experience of grief in losing twin daughters shortly after their birth two years ago, and losing a baby to miscarriage in 2013, they agreed.

The result is “Grieving Together: A Couple’s Journey through Miscarriage,” available through Amazon, Barnes & Noble and Our Sunday Visitor.

Laura is an author, speaker and director of a vocations project, the Communities of Calling Initiative, at the Collegeville Institute at Saint John’s University in Collegeville. Her Faith at Home columns can be read each month in The Catholic Spirit. She also blogs at MotheringSpirit.com.

Franco is product manager in Hamel. Both 38, they have four sons, ages 10, 8, 5, and 2. They are expecting another child in March.

Q. What is “Grieving Together” about?

A. It is a companion for parents who have lost a child to miscarriage, stillbirth or infant loss. The book includes practical resources, Church teaching, Scripture, prayers, and couples’ personal stories. It speaks to the physical, emotional, and spiritual aspects of grief for fathers and mothers.

Q. Why did you write this book, and why did you write it together?

A. We were approached by the publisher (Our Sunday Visitor) because they saw the need for a Catholic resource on miscarriage that would speak to both fathers and mothers. While Laura had written about our experiences of loss on her Mothering Spirit blog, they invited us to consider writing this book together so that it could address the needs of men and women. We felt like it was a calling from God to bring good from our grief, so we said yes.

Q. Why was this book needed?

A. The loss of a baby, whether before or after birth, is a devastating experience that is too often minimized or overlooked. We wanted to bring this grief from the shadows into the light. While miscarriage in particular is much more common than most people realize, we still struggle as a society to talk about this loss and help parents make sense of their grief. The vast majority of books on miscarriage are written solely for the mother, ignoring that the father lost a child, too (although his grief is experienced differently). So we wanted to write a book that was grounded in Catholic tradition and spoke to both parents.

Q. Why were you especially intentional about including fathers?

A. Although fathers and mothers both grieve over the loss of a child, men are typically not given the space to grieve outwardly. Health care professionals rarely ask about the father’s well-being. Family and friends often assume that the father doesn’t grieve because he did not carry the baby. When Franco was grieving our miscarriage and then the deaths of our twins, there were few resources for him as a father. We knew it was important to have fathers’ voices equally represented in a book for couples grieving together.

Q. Why was it important to tell your own story of miscarriage and infant loss?

A. We have been through three different kinds of loss in our marriage: infertility, miscarriage, and infant loss. Sharing our own experience is simply a doorway through which others can come to understand their own story more deeply. But we knew that our perspective is limited, so we invited many other couples to share their own stories within the book: couples who lost their first child, who had multiple miscarriages, who went on to adopt or foster, or who have not had subsequent children. Our hope is that there will be a story within the book that will speak to each reader’s experience.

Q. How did writing this book affect you?

A. Writing this book helped us continue to grieve together and to grow closer in our marriage. Learning about the Church’s teachings surrounding miscarriage deepened our faith and opened our eyes to the need to support grieving couples in concrete ways. Through our research we also learned more about all the factors that influence why people grieve differently, which has helped us become more compassionate with each other and with other people.

Q. What support or guidance does the Church offer couples who have miscarried? How could that support improve?

A. The Church offers rites and blessings that can be used when a baby dies before or after birth. But after our own miscarriage, we had no idea that these resources existed. We wanted to gather these official rites and prayers in one place — for couples as well as pastors, deacons, chaplains, and all who minister to grieving parents. We hope to encourage parishes and dioceses to recognize the deep grief of couples who have lost a baby. Se we included times to pray for these children throughout the Church year, practical ways to minister to parents, and prayers for a memorial Mass that can be offered annually as a sign of the Church’s pro-life, pastoral commitment to those who mourn.

Q. What role did your Catholic faith play in addressing your grief after your own losses?

A. After each of our losses we leaned into each other and leaned onto Church teaching for support and guidance. Scripture was a powerful source of comfort for us, especially in all the hard questions that a loss like this raises: Why did God let this happen? Is our baby in heaven? Was this suffering part of God’s plan? So we included many Scripture passages in the book that can speak to grieving parents, as well as wisdom from the Catechism and stories from saints who suffered the loss of children.

Q. The first words of the book’s introduction are, “You are not alone.” Why was this a core message to convey?

A. Parents often feel isolated after the death of a baby. People don’t want to talk about it and often pressure them to get back to “normal.” We wanted to let couples know that it is normal to grieve — and that there are millions of others who have gone through losses like them. Remembering that so many people do understand the depths of their grief can be comforting for those who feel alone or lost after their child has died.

Q. What do you mean by the book’s title, “Grieving Together?” What should spouses consider when they are both grieving the miscarriage of a child?

A. The Sacrament of Marriage asks us to commit to our spouse in good times and bad. Miscarriage or infant loss is often the hardest thing that a couple will have gone through and trying to grieve alone runs counter to the ideal of mutuality in marriage. We quickly learned that we had to be intentional about supporting each other and sharing what we were going through — or we would grow further apart in our suffering. Grieving together is one of the gifts that the Sacrament of Marriage gives us.

Q. What feedback have you received from people who have read your book?

A. Readers have been grateful to have a companion through loss that covers the practical side (including the physical experience of miscarriage, options for burial, and the range of emotional reactions) and the emotional and spiritual sides (theological questions, Church wisdom, and ways to handle people’s challenging responses). We’re especially heartened when we hear how the book has spoken to fathers or when couples read it together, because our hope is to help both parents feel acknowledged and grow together through their loss. We even heard of one diocese that is giving away a copy of “Grieving Together” to every couple who suffers a miscarriage. Our prayer is that our Church will continue to grow in its ministry to all who mourn.

Q. Many people seem to struggle with what to say to someone who has recently experienced a miscarriage. What is your advice?

A. Just say something! The silence from friends and family members after a miscarriage can be deafening, especially for fathers. Reaching out to say, “I’m sorry for your loss,” can mean the world to a grieving parent. If you don’t know how to start, you can simply say, “I care about you, and I’m here for you.” Offer a concrete way you can help (like bringing a meal, helping with housework, or babysitting their other children), since it’s hard for the grieving to answer the question of what they need. Having someone offer an ear to listen or a shoulder to cry on can give someone who has experienced a miscarriage the comfort to know that they do not have to suffer alone.

Q. How taboo is the topic of miscarriage or stillbirth in American culture? What about in the Church? It seems like conversation around the topic is increasing, but many people still describe a certain silence around it.

A. Gratefully, more people are starting to share their experiences of miscarriage, stillbirth, and infant loss. But so many still describe feeling shamed into silence or judged by friends and family who can’t understand why they aren’t “over it yet.” We heard stories from Catholics who felt angry that our pro-life Church could speak so much about abortion but rarely recognize the loss of babies who were deeply desired by their parents. We still have a long way to go, as a culture and as the Church, to honor the lives of each child as worthy of love and grief.

Q. What can pastors do to help couples who have lost a child through miscarriage or stillbirth?

A. The Rites for Christian Burial include prayers and rites that can be used for a baby who was not baptized, and we learned from many couples that their pastors unfortunately did not know such prayers existed — or that a miscarried child could be buried. We hope to help pastors know of how many resources already exist within our Church’s tradition to honor the lives of these babies and support their parents. Praying for grieving parents on Mother’s Day and Father’s Day is also another powerful support that a parish can offer. Many couples who have lost children avoid Mass on these days because it is too painful to sit while others stand for a blessing. But the power of simply adding petitions to the Prayers of the Faithful throughout the year — in November, when we pray for our beloved dead, for example —can be a huge difference for parents.

Q. Your book includes several ideas for how couples can honor the baby or babies they’ve lost. Could you share how you’ve honored the children you’ve lost?

A. We remember our twins every year on their birthday and anniversaries by doing a fundraiser in their honor. We planted a garden in our yard in their honor and visit their grave at the cemetery. For the baby we lost to miscarriage, we tend to honor that life in quieter, private ways as a couple: praying together and sharing Scripture that spoke to us during that time.

Q. Would you like to add anything else?

A. Our parish (St. Joseph the Worker in Maple Grove) will be hosting its 2nd annual Mass of God’s Children for families who have lost a child to miscarriage, stillbirth, or infant loss, whether recently or long ago. This memorial Mass will be held at 7 p.m. on Monday, Nov. 18, and all are welcome to attend.