Spouses seeking to get their needs met must be good at communicating them, said Jake Voelker, a licensed marriage and family therapist. “If you start an argument with harsh accusations and verbal attacks, it’s likely to end that way,” he said.
If an argument becomes heated, Voelker suggested saying something like “hold on; we’re a team” or “wait a second; let’s be nice to each other.”
Healthy communication builds trust and respect, leads to fewer arguments, a happier and more peaceful relationship, and a greater degree of marital satisfaction, Voelker said. Among the steps to achieving this is modeling respectful listening, making eye contact, turning off phones and televisions to show the importance of what’s being said, and even having a central place for important reminders, dates and messages, he said.
Voelker, a parishioner of St. Vincent de Paul in Brooklyn Park, works at the Parkdale Therapy Group in St. Louis Park, the St. John Vianney Seminary and for the Metropolitan Tribunal of the Archdiocese of St. Paul and Minneapolis. He recently joined “Practicing Catholic” radio show host Patrick Conley to offer tips for navigating the early years of married life with joy. He and his wife, Shannon, married for 10 years, are the parents of four children.
Voelker suggested that people in the early years of marriage think about loving their spouse as an art — similar to artists or athletes honing their craft and pursuing excellence. Similarly, married couples can hone the craft of how they love their spouse, he said.
But effective communication will help couples at any point in marriage, Voelker said. It enables couples to share relevant information such as their needs, feelings, opinions and expectations, he said. “And when they can do this effectively, it helps them to feel understood and validated,” he said, and helps them respond to what their partner needs.
Asked about the concept of “dating one’s spouse,” Voelker said it’s not about “large romantic gestures” such as how romance is depicted in movies, but more about daily interactions. A real romance in a lasting marriage is not derived from a few big, expensive dates but from “the millions of little everyday moments that real life is made up of,” he said.
For example, people can go out of their way to be kind to their spouse, to offer compliments and anticipate needs, he said. “By turning toward your spouse, by paying attention to them and affirming them … that’s the basis of emotional connection and romance and a healthy marriage,” Voelker said.
To hear Voelker describe the building blocks of a successful marriage — and to hear the full interview, tune in to the 9 p.m. Sept. 23 “Practicing Catholic” show, which repeats at 1 p.m. Sept. 24 and 2 p.m. Sept. 25 on Relevant Radio 1330 AM.
Produced by Relevant Radio and the Archdiocese of St. Paul and Minneapolis, the latest show also includes interviews with Father Tom Margevicius, director of worship for the archdiocese, who describes what to expect at the candlelight rosary procession from the state Capitol to the Cathedral of St. Paul in St. Paul Oct. 7; and self-employed figurative sculpture artist Maria Widstrom, who describes the two years she spent in art school in Florence, Italy, where she could involve her faith and learn about sculpture that she could share with other Catholics.
Listen to their interviews after they have aired at:
Practicing Catholic on Spotify
