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Birth mother recalls adoption experience of 50 years ago |
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By Julie Pfitzinger - For The Catholic Spirit
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Thursday, 05 November 2009 |
In 1957, when an unmarried 21 year-old Jackie Maher surrendered her newborn daughter to Catholic Charities for adoption, she was emphatically told she would never see her child again. However, something in Maher’s heart told her otherwise.
Jackie Maher, right, reconnected with her daughter Katie DeCosse 50 years after giving her up for adoption. Photo by Dave Hrbacek / The Catholic Spirit
Maher said she “just put one foot in front of the other” after the baby was born and went on with her life, eventually marrying and raising five children. Three years ago, Maher, now 74 and a parishioner at St. Vincent de Paul in Brooklyn Park, began actively searching for her daughter.
“I was getting older and wanted to find her, find out if she had any questions only I could answer,” Maher explained, adding that at the time, her other children had no knowledge of their sibling. “I didn’t have any idea about the kind of relationship that would come out of our reunion,” she said.
Reunion led to a book
Maher and her 52-year-old daughter Katie DeCosse have co-written a new
book called “Fifty Years in 13 Days: A Mother/Daughter Reunion” that
details their initial connection via e-mail, and describing how the two
reached a place where they were ready to meet and start building a
relationship.
After hiring someone to help her find DeCosse, Maher initiated the
contact (which she has since learned is more unusual than an adoptee
searching for a birth mother) and mailed a letter to her daughter. “I
hoped she would respond,” said Maher. “The very next morning, I
received an e-mail from her.”
For almost two weeks, the women corresponded back and forth. “We didn’t
talk on the phone because Katie said she didn’t want to hear my voice
until she could see me,” said Maher.
DeCosse believes the time was right for her to hear from Maher. “The
first letter arrived six weeks after I turned 50,” she said. “I really
felt like I was mentally prepared for the opportunity.”
In the late 1970s, DeCosse was able to access what was referred to as
“non-identifying information” about Maher and her birth father. “There
were different things I learned about them, but there were no names,”
she said, adding that at that point in her life, she opted not to
pursue a further search. “Like many adoptees, I had concerns that I
would be rejected again.”
Honoring birth moms
For the past two years, the Archdiocese of St. Paul and Minneapolis, in collaboration with Catholic Charities, has sponsored a Day of Honor and Recognition of Birth Mothers — the only diocese in the country to offer the program, said Gretchen Traylor, one of the event organizers and a member of St. Gerard Majella in Brooklyn Park.
Traylor, herself an adoptee, became interested in creating this special day after she started volunteering as a crisis pregnancy counselor at Birthright. Although she never surrendered a child, Traylor saw the lack of healing opportunities for women like her own birth mother (now deceased).
In July, St. Charles Borromeo parish in St. Anthony hosted the second annual event (the 2010 site has yet to be selected), which included presentations and a Mass.
“For many of these women, it was the first time they spoke about what happened to them or had the chance to meet with others who also surrendered babies for adoption,” said Traylor. “When I think about how powerful and emotional these events have been, I think of when Jesus said, ‘The truth will make you free,’” she said.
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Maher is hopeful their book will serve as encouragement to the women
she refers to as the “old birth mothers” who surrendered their children
in the days before there was such a thing as an open adoption. Not
knowing at the time of her daughter’s birth about a document called an
affidavit of disclosure, Maher didn’t realize she could have provided
more information about herself. “Everything was very different in those
days,” she said.
Today, the two women are in frequent contact via e-mail and see each
other often. DeCosse’s adoptive parents are accepting of the
relationship she has with Maher.
“I think because we had our reunion later in life, we want to take
advantage of the time we have to spend together,” said DeCosse, who
refers to their relationship as a strong friendship.
“I see her as essentially the best friend you could possibly have,” she
said, “and she is the woman who just happens to be my birth mother.”
Erin Merrigan, a parishioner at St. Joan of Arc in Minneapolis,
surrendered her first-born son for adoption in 1981. She and husband,
Mike, were unmarried at the time, just finishing college, and knew they
were not prepared to raise a child.
The couple, now parents to four additional children, reunited with son
Joe, 28, when he was 19 years old. They are in frequent contact, but
only see their oldest once or twice a year since he moved to North
Carolina, where he runs a business and is engaged to be married.
“Society doesn’t understand reunion in some ways. It’s hard to think of
bringing everything back up,” Merrigan said. “But the truth of the
matter is that birth mothers chose life. They cared enough to have that
child, so of course, they have always loved and cared about them. They
want to know how they are.”
Merrigan is a member of Concerned United Birthparents, a national
support group for those involved in what is known as the adoption
triad: Birth parents, adoptees and adoptive parents. The Twin Cities
chapter meets monthly at the St. Louis Park Community Center.
“We’ve found the people who really aren’t being served are the adult
adoptees. We want to see more birth mothers come out of the woodwork.
Unfortunately, these are women who had no support when they gave birth
to their child. Many have never talked about the experience to anyone,”
Merrigan said.
She believes that when it comes to the subject of reunion, the best
outcome will result if all members of the triad “accept everyone; be
loving, honest, caring and collaborative.”
In her discussions with other birth mothers and adoptees, and as a
result of her own journey, Maher said she understands the fear of risk
and rejection that comes with the prospect of reunion. For that reason,
she is especially grateful for the outcome of her own re-connection
with DeCosse.
“It just felt like it was meant to be,” Maher said. “The time had come
when there were things we had to do in this life together.”
For more about Concerned United Birth parents, contact Erin Merrigan
at (612) 824-3470. To learn more about “Fifty Years in 13 Days” by
Jackie Maher and Katie DeCosse, visit www.wowpublishinggroup.com.
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