Catholic schools refuse to cower to bullies

| November 3, 2010 | 7 Comments

Bullying: Aggressive behavior that is intentional (not accidental or done in fun) and that involves an imbalance of power or strength. Often, bullying is repeated over time. Bullying can take many forms, such as hitting or punching, teasing or name-calling, intimidation through gestures, social exclusion, and sending insulting messages or pictures by mobile phone or using the Internet (also known as cyberbullying). Source: stopbullyingnow.hrsa.gov

The horrors of bullying came alive for Jodee Blanco in the 1970s, when she became a victim in the fifth grade. It turned nasty two years later, when a group of students became her tormentors.

“These kids in the back of the bus used to dip spitballs in Elmer’s glue and throw them at me,” she said of her seventh-grade year. “At least three days a week, my hair would be so caked in glue, my grandmother had to cut chunks of it off.”

That same year, she once was pinned to the ground during winter by three boys. Then, two girls forced her jaw open and others started pushing snow down her throat. Still others crammed snow underneath her clothing and onto her bare skin.

As the gruesome details flowed freely from her tongue, hundreds of students packed into the fieldhouse at Cretin-Derham Hall High School in St. Paul Oct. 27 leaned forward in their seats. Blanco was invited to deliver a message to help students understand the effects of bullying — and to work against it.

While recounting the winter episode, Blanco paused, looked at her audience and said, “What do you think they were doing the whole time? Laughing.”

“Eventually, I couldn’t breathe,” she said. “Mo­ments later, my mom found me shivering under the bushes.”

She told the principal the next day, and the students were punished. But, she said, “that only made things worse.”

Helping students, parents

School faculty members heard Blanco speak at the National Catholic Educational Association annual convention last April in Minneapolis. Laurie Jenn­rich, associate principal at Cretin-Derham Hall, was attending the conference and wanted to hear Blanco, but she was not able to get into the overcrowded room where Blanco was speaking.

As a member of CDH’s climate committee formed last fall to cultivate an attitude of respect among students, Jennrich was greatly interested in what Blanco had to say.

Six months later, Jennrich finally got that chance at CDH. Blanco gave three presentations at the school. She did the same thing at the Academy of Holy Angels in Richfield in September.

At CDH, Blanco addressed the students, gave a workshop for faculty and conducted a family seminar in which parents were invited to come and hear her story and, most important, learn how to recognize and respond to their children’s experiences of being bullied.

After hearing Blanco’s talk, Jennrich was asked to offer her reaction. She replied, “Am I allowed to cry? When she said what [cruel things] people say is like taking a razor and taking a slice out of your self-esteem, that really resonated with me. I have worked in high schools for over 30 years, and I think about my own past, and then all the students because teenagers can be cruel.”

Blanco wrote a book about her experiences titled “Please Stop Laughing at Me” in 2003. Since the book was published and became a New York Times best seller, she has toured the country talking at schools and trying to help victims of bullying.

Studies show that between 15 and 25 percent of American students are bullied with some frequency, according to the website stopbullyingnow.hrsa.gov, an initiative of the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services’ Health Resources and Services Administration.

Blanco found a captive audience at Cretin-Derham Hall, holding students’ attention for an hour and a half and hugging dozens of them after receiving a standing ovation at the end of her presentation. Also attending were 17 students from Totino-Grace High School and its director of diversity, Coach Nakumbe.

‘Bullied mercilessly’

Dressed in all black, Blanco stood alone on the floor of the school’s field house, with bleachers full of students on each side. She roamed the floor freely and even bounced up and down both sets of bleachers while giving raw, riveting and revealing details about the torment she endured at the hands of several bullies.

“I was bullied mercilessly from fifth grade through high school,” said Blanco, who attended numerous schools in both Chicago and New York City and even in Europe before graduating from Carl Sandburg High School in New York in 1982.

“I’m the only survivor-turned-activist who’s working deep inside the trenches of the school system to generate change,” she said.

Her list of bullying episodes is long. The torment continued all the way to her last day of high school. Like all of her classmates, she was asking people to sign her yearbook. There was a popular boy name Tyler that she — and most others — thought was cool. He had been nice to her on occasion, so she worked up the courage to ask him to sign her yearbook, hoping to end her high school days on a good note.

She handed him the book, and he agreed to sign it, taking a permanent marker and writing a message. Her excitement turned to horror when she got the book back and saw what Tyler had written: “(Expletive) you, (expletive). Every­body hates you and always will. You are God’s worst mistake.”

One boy in the class saw the message and got tears in his eyes. Later, he saw her at a class reunion and, eventually, married her. He was one of the only people in the entire class who was nice to her during high school. And, such kindness is the antidote for bullying, Blanco said.

Making a difference

Speaker and anti-bullying activist Jodee Blanco, right, hugs Cretin-Derham Hall junior Gabrielle Bruhjell after Blanco’s talk to students at the school Oct. 27. Awaiting their turn to greet Blanco are ninth-grader Sally Nguyen, left, and senior Rory Scherer. Photo by Dave Hrbacek / The Catholic Spirit

Treating herself like she’s still one of the many lonely, isolated kids at schools across the country, Blanco asked this challenging question to her audience: “What would it take for one of you to invite one of us to go to the mall with you or sit with you at lunch? Why is that such a big deal? You keep treating us like we’re invisible, we don’t exist, we’re ghosts.”

At least one student heard that part of her message loud and clear. Senior Bryan Linehan said it was one valuable lesson he learned from the presentation.

“I was really shocked when she said that bullying is the nice things you don’t do,” he said. “I don’t think of myself as a bad person, but there’s got to be times when someone needed a compliment and I just didn’t give it to them. I just think it’s a difficult challenge. We do need to be better rescuers of outcasts in our school.”

Jennrich said that, while Cretin-Derham Hall may not have instances of bullying like Blanco experienced, it’s still an issue that needs to be addressed. That’s why the climate committee was formed, and it’s also why she works so hard to have activities available for all students. In fact, she oversees all school activities except athletics.

“If it’ll help kids feel connected, we’ll do it,” she said. “We have kids who want to do fencing, we’ll have a fencing club. We have kids who want to play bridge, we have a bridge club that meets every Monday. Anything kids want. We’ve had jump rope club. . . . We’ve had ping pong club.

“I think it helps them feel like they belong. It’s an opportunity to be part of something. . . . And, if there’s something we don’t have for them, we’re going to do our best to keep it going for them.”

These efforts appear to be working at Cretin-Derham Hall. At least one student who was bullied in grade school has not had any trouble in high school. Senior Chelsea Terhark-Luger was teased when she transferred to a new school in sixth grade after moving to Minnesota from South Carolina.

“I switched schools halfway through sixth grade and I was bullied when I got to my new school,” she said. “It was bad. I came from a different state and I had an accent because I came from South Carolina. They bullied me because I had an accent. I just switched schools after sixth grade.”

About her high school years at CDH, she simply says, “It’s fine for me.”

It helps that some high-profile students have set a good example. Back when Minnesota Twins star Joe Mauer attended the school (he graduated in 2001), Jennrich said he invited a blind student to sit at his table regularly for lunch. Mauer would cut his food for him.

Small gestures matter

Jennrich, Blanco and other anti-bullying advocates say this type of action is all it takes to turn the tide against bullying, which, sadly, has become an epidemic in the United States and has regularly garnered newspaper headlines, beginning with the Columbine shootings 11 years ago and continuing today.

Some victims harm others, some harm themselves. But, students, including those present at Blanco’s talk, can prevent the violence associated with bullying.

In fact, Blanco saved that message for the end of her talk, when she asked everyone in the field house, students and faculty alike, to close their eyes and imagine the worst harm a bully ever did to them.

“Exactly how you felt at that worst moment is exactly how that person feels who you never think to include,” she said. “I want you to go up to that person, look them in the eye and say, ‘Hey, how’s it going?’ That tiny gesture of human kindness could change that person’s whole life, and could save yours.”


Six points on bullying

» There’s more to bullying than acts of meanness. “Bullying isn’t just the mean things you do, it’s all the nice things you never do,” Blanco said. “Bullying is also when you never go out of your way to include someone.” She went on to say that it’s the feeling of isolation and loneliness that often drives victims to commit violence — against others or themselves.

» One effective way to help a bullying victim is to reach out to them and include them in your social plans. For example, invite them to sit with you at lunch or to go to the shopping mall. According to Blanco, such simple acts make a difference.

» If you are being bullied, report it to an adult you trust. Much more so than when Blanco was in high school, adults, especially school teachers, counselors and administrators, are more aware of bullying and, in many cases, have received training in how to handle it. Cretin-Derham Hall High School, for example, has a section in its school handbook about it, and students are encouraged to come forward if they are bullied.

» Victims are encouraged to find activities they like that will help them make new friends. They also are encouraged to do so outside of school so they can develop a social network away from school.

» If you witness bullying, Blanco advises creating a diversion that will put a stop to the episode. She recommends bursting on to the scene and asking the victim for help with a problem, or telling the victim he or she is wanted in the school office. That’s more effective, she says, than just stepping in and asking the bullies to stop. Then, after you have gotten the victim away from the bullies, be sure to invite him or her to hang out with you.

» Parents need to be watchful of what their children are doing on their computers. Laurie Jennrich, associate principal at Cretin-Derham Hall, said bullying can happen via the Internet. “It’s all gone cyberspace,” she said. “I call it finger courage. They [bullies] get a lot of finger courage when they’re on their computer. The sad thing is, [the effect] is permanent.” — Dave Hrbacek


Want to hear more?

Buy it Now

Those interested in learning more about Jodee Blanco’s story can read her book, “Please Stop Laughing at Me,” which was published in 2003. She also has written a sequel entitled “Please Stop Laughing at Us” (2008). To find out more about the books and Blanco’s background and anti-bullying efforts, visit http://www.jodeeblanco.com.

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Category: Featured, Local News

  • jtowalski

    Please see this week's editorial.

  • Terence Rafferty

    I read your editorial. Indeed, the editorial did denounce gay bashing — and this should be commended.

    However, when church officers preach against the rights of gay people in civil society, as did, for example, the Archbishop Nienstedt through his DVD campaign, then that action does, in fact, encourage intolerance of gay people – and it leads to gay bashing.

    It would be disingenuous to feign innocence by claiming the church is merely asserting its teaching authority because that authority does not extend over civil society. Nienstedt's actions were a calculated attempt to manipulate civil society through our national elections. It was wrong of him to do that and he owes the citizens of Minnesota an apology.

    • Jeff

      The anti-bullying movement is or has been taken over by the gay rights movement. No person should be intimidated by this crowd, they are just promoting acceptance NOT tolerance of their lifestyle.

  • Jackie RL

    Bullying is a problem and gay bashing and acts of hates are tremendous violation of human rights. It must be stopped along with bullying of people and kids for any other difference or struggle they might have. There needs to be severe consequences for bullying, whether it involves acts or words of hatred towards GLBT people or toward the overweight, those of different ethnicities and races, women, etc… The list goes on and on. However, this is not to say that the Church is going to stop giving guidelines for what is in our best interest.

  • Jackie RL

    The Church is a Church that shows mercy to the outcast and serves the most vulnerable in society. The Church welcomes all to this mercy and compassion as did Jesus, but it also does not say "keep doing what you are doing" if it is something that is a beginning step on a path of misery, hurt, bondage, loneliness, insecurity or an obstacle between you and God. In the case of the woman with many husbands, Jesus was compassionate and understanding and encouraged her to look at her life and imagine what happiness would be like if she were to look to Jesus as the source of her happiness and the source of her strength. She was looking for love in all of the wrong places. When the rabbis were ready to stone for adultery Jesus asked the one without sin to cast the first stone and none could. BUT he did not say to the woman that she should continue in adultery but instead showed her a different path that promised a love of ANOTHER kind the love that the world doubts and has given up on but the love that the Church continues to know is alive, real, and ever present if we only allowed ourselves to seek it. This pattern is repeated throughout the old testament and the new testament and is a path that the Church models after Jesus and the women and disciples that Jesus loved, taught, served, and died in the presence of. There are still guidelines, given by God, Jesus, and those that were closest to Jesus that keep us close to the good that gives us authentic happiness, rather than the quick fix happiness that the world over prescribes without solid or sufficient research and evidence at it being in our best interest and for the good of ourselves and society as a whole. The Church is one of the only institutions left in today's society that isn't afraid to speak of things that are good for us and things that are harmful to our overall happiness. Even parents today don't set limits for their teenagers because they are afraid their teenagers won't like them anymore and so their teenagers are then taken advantage of by the world and are left without guidance, direction, or a sense of being loved. The Ten commandments serve as guidelines for happiness and are not merely statements to control us and prevent us from being who we are meant to be. If a person tells a grave lie, then there are grave emotional, physical, and psychological consequences. If a person has sex outside of a loving committed relationship, there are emotional, physical, and psychologically grave consequences (whether GLBT or heterosexual). If the Church were to allow GLBT marriage, the Church would be choosing these consequences for its followers when they are aware that there could be another way that is healthier and more in line with the happiness God PROMISES, even though it is sometimes the harder and more frightening path. Do you want a caregiver that is honest, truthful, and acts out of love or one that is absent, tells you to follow disordered and misleading desires without restraint, and promises you no love of another kind but only love that is counterfeit, fake, and without source or summit. We are meant to be whole, happy, and united in relationship to the Lord, the Church, family, and others and this will all culminate in heaven. So I am thankful that the Church continues to give us guidelines for happiness and though we still have the free choice to do what we want… it is nice to have someone with the courage to say: "You can do what you want… but it will hurt more than you could ever know. I want to show you True and authentic love that is sometimes hard and difficult, but nevertheless achieveable, real, steadfast, and strong… a love that is something you can stand secure on and trust to lead you to your ultimate love" Out of love the Church encourages us to try another way that yes, sometimes takes more courage and strength than we agree to admit that we have and doubt that God will give us. But God is not a Tyrant and does not want to hold back from us what is good, as Adam and Eve suspected by taking the forbidden fruit when they already had their greatest happiness at hand.

  • Jackie RL

    Doubt of God and the faithful teachings of the Church is the ultimate deception and is what the world offers without experience, discernment, thought, or solid research of the benefits of God's teachings. Drinking, spending, gambling, pornography, and cheating are the top reasons for divorce in our nation, yet these are the things that the nation tells us not to hold back on and to do without restraint. Do we want to be guided by the world and then enslaved or guiding by a God that knows are pain, suffereings, longings and how to get us to a place of freedom rather than bondage? God is a loving Father, sometimes unlike our own fathers, and asks us to trust his Goodness. About 7 years ago I was living a life where I was uncommitted to any one person, sleeping around, and became pregnant. I was harassed and bullied, however the Catholic Church came to my aide, offered me love and mercy, and has continued to offer me love and mercy when others had not. It did not tell me to continue on the path I was on THANKFULLY. But it also did not condone hatefulness towards me and my state in life. There are many people within society and within the Church who do not know how to love or how to give mercy, even if they have been freely given it by the Church. HOWEVER, the Church is one that stands for mercy, compassion, human rights and human dignity, and is that only thing left in our world that isn't afraid to tell it like it IS instead of tell it like we WANT it to be. There is a difference between Truth as it is and truth as we want it to be. It is a relief to have an unchanging God that loves unconditionally but is strong, constant, steady, unwavering, secure, and a stable rock. He, along with the faithful of the Church, are one of the few things we can count on to be honest and dependable in the wake of adversity within our world. Nienstedt's actions were directed at those who claim to be Catholic and were educational in the teachings and mercy of the Catholic Church. I would hope that you too would continue to have a passion for educating others and not keeping it to yourself as you are doing by asserting your right to speak and educate on this website.That is the joy of freedom and education and learning. Thank goodness both you and Nienstedt have the courage to speak what you believe and think are in the best interest of all people. I know I am thankful for the right to speak and share and should this be taken from me, or you, we would be at a loss and enslaved to the power of the government or what have you and our will and freedom to speak, live, think for ourselves will be taken or hindered. The Church encourages asking of questions and searching for answers and does not force others into a lifestyle. The government tries to do this… so who is demonstrating a healthy authority over civil society? The government or the Church? Which gives freedom to choose beliefs and what is good? I would say the Church and the government is trying to take this from us in its committment to limit freedom of speech and choice in the name of freedom. Am I wrong? Is this view of the government somehow deceiving?

  • Glenda

    Excellent article. But the problem is how to STOP THE BULLIES. How do you handle that? When you tell a trusted adult and the bullies get punished, the torment and torture just get ramped up. I was bullied in school and I've never felt so alone and so helpless. Telling didn't help me until every one of the kids was pulled into the office and threatened with expulsion. They were told that if I reported them again, they were out. Maybe it was a bluff but it helped. I didn't gain a ton of super cool friends but at least I wasn't afraid of being pushed down the stairs…again. Or of having things thrown at me. Or of having nasty things whispered to me when the teacher's back was turned. How do you handle bullies who just get worse when they get in trouble?